HEAVEN— In a rare and historically biblical sit-down interview conducted via angelic apparition and a slightly annoyed sigh, Jesus of Nazareth clarified this week that, contrary to popular belief, literally none of the stuff Christians, Politicians, or your drunk Uncle on Facebook have been spouting for the last two millennia was actually attributed to him.
“I just can’t take it anymore,” Jesus says while flipping his long locks, and casually turning water into rosé.
